


Turn Off The Light

by missnewvillage



Category: Glee
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missnewvillage/pseuds/missnewvillage
Summary: Two weeks ago Santana got her heart broken when Brittany rejected her for Artie. Fresh off their Regionals win, Mr. Shue assigns them the topic "self-expression." This is Santana's journey as she discovers and learns to accept herself. Canon through 2x16. Quinntana friendship. Brittana endgame.
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since that fateful day when Santana Lopez confessed her true feelings for her best friend. Two weeks since Brittany Pierce rejected Santana for her boyfriend, Artie. Two weeks since Santana had her heart broken. 

Two weeks did nothing to relieve her heart from the ache. She still felt hurt and rejected. She steeled herself, building up her walls taller than ever. But Brittany could see through Santana. She knew her best friend well. Brittany tried to talk to Santana and keep her as a friend. But it hurt Santana to even look at Brittany. All she saw was a beautiful innocent face that crushed her heart. She couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. 

Her friendship with Quinn, however, grew. Quinn wasn’t blind to Brittany and Santana's apparent intimate friendship. She had a feeling that they were closer than most best friends were. Of course, she didn’t ask Santana about it. It was none of her business what her best friends did in their private lives. But she noticed how Santana avoided Brittany and stopped talking to her. So Quinn asked her what was wrong. Santana didn’t budge in telling Quinn anything. But Quinn made sure to tell her friend that she was here for her whenever she needed to talk. 

Regionals was this past weekend and the New Directions won. It was a happy win for everyone, except maybe Kurt, who was torn between pride for his former teammates and sadness for himself and his new team, the Warblers. Now it was the start of a new day and a new week. The day passed by quickly for Santana, which she was thankful for. Now all she had to do was get through glee club rehearsal and she could lock herself up in her room. 

Santana made her way into the choir room. Not many people were inside yet. She made her way to the top row, far away from where Brittany would most likely sit with her boyfriend Artie. Quinn came in and sat to the left of Santana and Finn sat next to his girlfriend Quinn. 

"Hey Santana," he greeted her politely. 

"Sup Finnocence," she smirked. 

Quinn rolled her eyes at their interaction. She never understood what Santana had against her boyfriend. Before Quinn could greet Santana, Mr. Schue walked into the classroom.

"Congratulations on our first place win at Regionals yesterday!" Everyone cheered. "Okay. Now we have to gear up for Nationals. As you all know, it is taking place in New York City this year. I know we are going to have to put in a lot of effort because it is not going to be an easy win this time. The show choirs you'll see in New York are going to be the best of the best. But for this week, I'm giving you a different assignment. First I want to ask, how many of you see yourselves in New York City, or any city other than Lima for that matter, after you graduate?"

Rachel shot her hand up as soon as she heard the words "New York City." Almost everyone's hands rose in response to Mr. Schue's question, Santana's included. She wasn't absolutely sure what she wanted to study in college, but she knew that she wanted to attend a college out of state. No one wanted to stay in Lima and end up a Lima Loser. 

"Okay." Mr. Schue nodded. "Almost all of you want to get out of Lima once graduation comes. But leaving home means you are out in the world on your own. There are a myriad of opportunities out there for you, but if you don’t have a strong idea of who you are and what you want then the world is going to eat you up and swallow you whole." 

Most of the club looked confused. Finn looked disturbed. Santana whispered a quiet "wanky" to Quinn who chuckled lightly. Brittany turned to Artie. "How can the world swallow you? It doesn’t have a mouth?" Santana heard Brittany's question and she sighed quietly, wishing that Brittany was asking her the question instead of that boy. Santana couldn’t understand how Brittany could ever choose Artie over her. 

"Okay. Settle down," Mr. Schue said, trying to regain control of the class. "What I mean is that I want you all to have a good sense of who you are. So this week's assignment is 'Self Expression.' I want you all to choose a song that represents who you are. I want you to dig deep and explore yourselves. Choose something that isn’t so obvious but is still true to you. Does everyone understand?"

Nods of approval indicated the answer. "Good. You all can go home and start thinking of songs for the assignment. I'll see you on Wednesday." 

Everyone stood and got ready to leave. Santana stood and went to walk to the exit when Quinn grabbed her wrist, effectively stopping her. "Hey S. Do you want to come over and work on the assignment with me? I don’t even know where to begin," she asked.

Santana looked between Quinn and Finn. "Aren’t you both busy doing couple stuff," she asked, trying not to sound bitter but failing miserably. 

Finn was the one to respond. "No, not today. My mom wants to take me out to dinner to celebrate our Regionals win. Burt is going to Dalton to pick up Kurt and Blaine as well – family dinner. So you are free to hang with Quinn."

Santana nodded. "Alright Q. I'll meet you at your house."

Quinn smiled. "See you then!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally posted this on fanfiction net in 2012, wrote four chapters and then abandoned it in 2014. With Naya Rivera's sudden passing I felt the desire to finish this for her. I hope you enjoy it.


	2. Chapter 2

Santana parked in front of the Fabrays' house. She climbed up the front steps and rang the doorbell. Santana was surprised to see Judy Fabray opening the door. "Hey Mrs. F. I'm here to see Quinn," Santana greeted her.

"Hello sweetheart. I haven’t seen you in ages. How have you been, dear," Judy asked.

Santana smiled. "I've been okay. You know, school, homework, the usual." Santana saw Quinn coming down the stairs.

"Mom, stop asking so many questions. We're going to work on a glee assignment."

"Quinnie, it's been a while since I've seen Santana. I'm just asking how she's doing; there is nothing to get embarrassed about. So Santana, are you staying for dinner? I can easily make more food."

Santana looked towards Quinn. "Um, I don't want to bother."

Judy shook her head. "Nonsense. You could never be a bother. Call your parents and tell them you're going to stay for dinner. I'll make some extra for you to take to them."

Santana smiled. "Sure Mrs. F. Thank you." She turned her attention to Quinn. "Ready to listen to some songs," she asked with a wink.

Quinn laughed. "Come on silly," she said and grabbed Santana's hand as they made their way to Quinn's room.

Santana plopped herself onto Quinn's bed. "Do you have any idea which song you want to do, Q?"

Quinn sighed. "No. And I don't really have any idea how we can start," Quinn said, frustrated.

Santana stood up. "Well let's look at that cd collection you have. You should look for a song on your iTunes library."

"Okay," Quinn agreed. "Should I look for a song for you," she asked.

"Hmm. If you see anything just write it down," Santana answered.

Santana began looking through the extensive cd collection Quinn had. "Dang Q. You have this alphabetized and ordered by year. Anal much? Have you been hanging out with Berry lately," Santana joked.  
"Ugh. Don’t mention Man Hands. She's just so frustrating. It's like she can't get over the fact that Finn and I are together," Quinn complained.

"Well I think that was what her song was about. You know, how she couldn't get it right and she doesn't have Finn," Santana said.

"Yeah, but I don't know. She just isn't over Finn and I'm sorry, that song was about not knowing how to get him back. I feel like I have to keep fighting to keep Finn with me."

"Quinn," Santana sighed. "I'm going to ask you something, but I don't want you to get upset or offended." Quinn nodded for her to continue. "Do you really love Finn, or do you just want him because Berry is interested in him?"

Quinn looked at Santana for a second before looking down. When she looked back up she had tears in her eyes. Santana moved to sit down next to her and wrapped her arms around Quinn to hug her.

"I love him, Santana. But I messed up. I got jealous of Rachel when she first started getting close to Finn. I stupidly slept with Puck and got pregnant. I'm sorry by the way. I know you two were together. Not only did I cheat on my boyfriend but I slept with my best friend's boyfriend."

Santana stopped her friend's rant. "It's okay Q. Puck and I have always been on and off. I appreciate the apology though. But it’s all forgiven and forgotten."

Quinn stopped crying and gave Santana a hug. "You're the best, S. I just feel so awful about what happened and I want it to be like before but I don’t think he really forgives me or has forgotten. And I feel like the more Rachel tries to befriend Finn the more I'm going to lose him."

Santana felt for Quinn. She never did understand what Quinn saw in Finn. To her Finn was a giant dork that was awkward and didn’t really think things though. For some reason Quinn was in love with him. Santana understood the fear Quinn felt though. It was the same fear that Santana had two weeks ago when she told Brittany how she felt. Somehow she forgot all about Artie, but as soon as Brittany mentioned him she was faced with the fact that Brittany might choose him over her. And as she tried to tell Brittany to just end it with the boy she had to face that fear of rejection.

Santana looked at her best friend. "I think you should take a break from boys," she told Quinn. Quinn scoffed. "No, listen to me, Q. You define yourself by your boyfriend. You just told me that you are afraid that you are going to lose him to someone else. That fear isn't going to go away. It's going to eat you up until you lose your mind. You are more than just a pretty girl with a boyfriend. It's what Mr. Schue said. Self-expression, not what possessions define you."

Quinn nodded. Maybe you're right, but what about you?"

Santana scoffed. "What about me?"

"Well, why did you get with Sam? You didn't really like him, did you?"

Santana shook her head. "No, not really. He's a nice guy, but I was never really into him."

Quinn nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

Santana shrugged. “Yeah. I originally just wanted him because I thought I needed to be with someone. Everyone in glee has a boyfriend practically. Even Zizes. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.”

Quinn laughed. “Well, I think you were being a bitch, no offense,” Quinn said jokingly. “I mean, he was my boyfriend and you basically broke us up.”

Santana shook her head. “No no Blondie. You broke that relationship yourself. You cheated on Sam with Finn. Don’t go blaming me when I just tried to help a friend out.”

Quinn smiled lightly. “Okay. You’re right.”

Santana smirked. “I’m always right,” she said smugly.

“Hah. Whatever you want to believe, Santana.”

They sat in a comfortable silence before Quinn voiced her question. “Do you want to talk about whatever is going on between you and Brittany?”

Santana sighed. “Nothing is going on between Brittany and me,” she said sadly. 

Quinn paused to take a good look at Santana. “Well, the past few weeks you two haven’t been speaking as much. I know you, S. You and Britt are best friends. I’m pretty sure you consider her more of a friend than me. So what happened?”

Santana shook her head. “I consider you my best friend, Q,” she said softly. 

“Stop avoiding the question, Santana. I know I’m one of your best friends. But you and Britt are like on this different level of friendship. It’s like you both can read each other’s minds. It’s crazy how close you are. You are always together. And all of a sudden that stopped. So I know something happened.”

“It’s none of your business, Quinn,” Santana snapped. 

Quinn sighed. “I know. I just want to help. I don’t like to see you like this.”

“Like what?”

“Sad, trapped inside your thoughts. If you don’t want to tell me, that is fine. It’s your business. But I just want to be a good best friend for once and see how you are really doing.”

Santana sighed. “You are a good friend, Quinn. I’m sorry. I want to tell you because I’m so tired of holding everything in. I just can’t. If I do it makes it more real and I don’t know if I can handle that. I promise when I’m ready I’ll tell you. “

“Okay. That’s all I’m asking,” Quinn said before turning back to her laptop. “Oh and by the way, I’ll still be your friend no matter what.”

Santana smiled. “Okay you sap. Get back to searching."

Santana looked through the cd collection, surprised at some of Quinn’s selections. Who would have thought little miss church-going Quinn listens to hip hop. She found a cd of The Notorious B.I.G. and almost had a heart attack because of her surprise. Quinn’s explanation for having the album was that he was a legend in the world of 90s rap. Santana hadn’t gotten to the T section yet, but she wouldn’t be surprised now if she found a Tupac album. She had to hand it to Quinn. The girl has great taste in music. 

She reached the N section of Quinn’s cd when she saw an old yet familiar album. “Oh my gosh, Q. Remember this,” she asked, holding out a cd.

Quinn looked up and saw the _Whoa, Nelly!_ album by Nelly Furtado. “I remember that. We used to play that album all the time. How old were we?”

“Like six or seven. Oh my gosh this takes me back. Remember the music video for 'I’m Like A Bird?'”

“How could I forget? Brittany actually tried to fly because she saw Nelly doing it. Too bad we didn’t realize she was attached to a harness.”

Santana burst into laughter. Quinn also couldn’t hold in her laughter at their best friend’s antics. Brittany was always trying to copy everything she saw in music videos, hoping to pick up new dance moves. Flying, however, was one feat that Brittany hadn’t been able to master. 

“Remember you used to get the words messed up. You thought she said “my love is red and blue,” Quinn laughed jokingly.

“Hey, it’s not my fault Nelly had horrible diction. I think we made up our own words for half the songs on that cd. Plus I was still learning English,” she justified. Santana’s parents spoke Spanish to her at home, so she had to learn English in school. Santana turned to put the cd back when she saw the rest of Nelly’s albums. “Damn Q. Are you a closeted Nelly fan? I didn’t know you had all of her cds. You even have the ‘Best of…’ collection.”

Quinn nodded. “She’s actually really good. Maybe not her pronunciation, but her songwriting is incredible,” Quinn explained.

Santana shrugged. “Well then, let’s have a listen.” She turned to the stereo system Quinn had in her room and slipped the cd in. They both sang out the lyrics to "I’m Like A Bird." When that finished, Santana went back to looking for songs while still listening to the album.

As the cd played Santana had to admit that she really was impressed with Nelly’s lyrics. What was even more shocking to Santana was the fact that Nelly sang in Spanish and Portuguese – and she could actually understand her. She was looking through the cds when she heard a few lyrics that caught her attention. 

_Then I see you standing there  
Wanting more from me  
And all I can do is try_

Santana instantly thought of Brittany. Brittany had wanted her to open up. She wanted her to talk about her feelings and not run away from them. She listened intently to the second chorus. 

_I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness  
And all the real people are really not real at all  
The more I learn the more I learn  
The more I cry the more I cry  
As I say goodbye to the way of life  
I thought I had designed for me_

Santana had spent countless hours crying after their performance of "Landslide." She was so torn between her feelings of Brittany. Santana had her life planned out. She would graduate from high school and then college. She’d work for a few years to pay back student loans and then she’d marry a man, preferably a rich man, and live a happy life. Her feelings for Brittany threw that plan out the window. Because Brittany wasn’t a boy; she is a girl. And that has consequences that she isn’t sure she could handle. 

Santana was trying to compose herself. The song brought out so many emotions in Santana. But as she listened to the ending she couldn’t help but let out soft sobs due to the words. Because Santana knew that she would probably never have that happy ending with Brittany. 

_We are free in our love._

Quinn heard soft whimpers and turned to see Santana with silent tears streaming down her face. “Hey,” she said gently. “What’s wrong?”

Santana shook her head as she took in a deep breath. “I’m okay Q. I’m okay,” she said, voice breaking as she tried to control her crying.

“No you’re not, Santana. Please tell me what’s wrong. Why are you crying?”

Santana looked into Quinn’s eyes and saw genuine concern but also trust. She inhaled and whispered out one word. 

“Brittany.”

Quinn walked to where Santana was standing and wrapped her in a hug. Tears continued to stream down Santana’s face, and Quinn’s heart broke for her friend. Quinn knew that whatever was bothering Santana wasn’t something small and that scared her. She wanted Santana to trust her and come to her for help or even just for a listening ear. 

Quinn pulled away from Santana and looked her in the eye. “What happened with you and Brittany?”

Santana walked over to Quinn’s bed and let out a sigh as she sank down onto it. “I don’t even know where to begin, Q.”

Quinn sat beside Santana. “Just start at the beginning. I’m listening.”

“Okay, um. Well, I guess everything started last year. After I found out that Puck cheated on me I was really upset. I didn’t love him or anything, but he was still my boyfriend, you know? I never thought he would cheat on me. I thought that maybe it was my fault. Maybe I wasn’t pretty or smart enough for him. I went to Brittany that day and told her everything I was feeling. And she told me that I was beautiful and that I shouldn’t feel like I wasn’t perfect. But you know me; I’m too stubborn to believe anything when I’ve already made my mind up about something. I kept talking poorly about myself so Brittany kissed me to make me stop. It was quick and just a little peck really, but it felt so good. It was a million times better than kissing Puck or any other guy. 

"After that kiss I knew I wanted to kiss her again. So we did. We kissed each other but still dated boys. Even though I never felt anything with any of the guys I was with, I didn't want to even think about what kissing Britt meant. So I just ignored it. I acted like it was no big deal, like it meant nothing. “Sex isn’t dating,” I told myself. And it worked all year and even in the summer. But then the duet assignment happened."

Santana paused and let Quinn take in everything that was said. Quinn was surprised that Santana and Brittany had been intimate for that long. She thought it only happened this year. To her defense she did spend all of last year pregnant, but these were her best friends. She should have known or at least noticed something. Before Quinn could say anything Santana began speaking once again.

"Brittany wanted to sing 'Come To My Window' as a duet with me. But I got afraid because I didn't want to admit liking her. I couldn't do it, so instead I said some really mean things and hurt her feelings. As, I don't know, revenge or something, Brittany had sex with Artie. And then they started dating. Of course it worked; I got so jealous with their relationship. It meant that Britt and I couldn't keep doing what we were doing. I'm not proud of what I'm about to tell you. I, uh, I convinced Brittany that us having sex wasn't cheating because we were both girls. I know it's horrible. But I missed her. It was the only way I could get to be with her again. A couple of weeks ago she asked me to tell her what us having sex meant. I was going to ignore it, but then I thought about what would happen if I did that. I know she would have stopped talking to me like she did after the duets assignment. I couldn’t take not talking to her. I asked Ms. Holliday to help us. We sang 'Landslide' and I started thinking about everything. I um... I"

Quinn took Santana's hands and gave a gentle squeeze. "It's okay, San. I'm here for you. No judgments, I promise."

Santana looked at Quinn with watery eyes. "I'm in love with her, Quinn. I love Brittany."

Quinn nodded and pulled her into another hug. "It's okay. Thank you for trusting me and telling me. It's going to be okay," she said in a comforting tone. 

"No, it's not. I told her. I told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her, but she chose him. She practically forced me to admit my feelings for her, and for what? So she could reject me? So she could tell me that she does love me but she can't be with me because it's not fair to _him_? So she could crush my heart?"

"Santana, you know Brittany would never intentionally hurt you."

"Well she did,” Santana huffed, “and I don't know what to do anymore." 

"Didn't you tell me that I shouldn't define myself by who I'm with? You shouldn't do that either."

"I'm not, Quinn."

"I know it's not the same. But I think you need to do some self-exploration. You are an incredible person, Santana. Maybe if you fully embrace yourself everything else will be a little easier."

"I just wish it was easy now."

Quinn nodded. "Well, you always have me to talk to when things aren't so easy. You're not alone anymore."

Santana smiled at Quinn. "Thank you, Q. Thank you for supporting me. It means a lot to know that you're okay with everything."

"Of course I'm okay with everything. You are my best friend. I'll always have your back."

"Thank you," Santana said before groaning. "Okay. Can we please stop with the emotional baring of our souls? It's too much for one day, and it'll ruin my reputation as a badass."

Quinn scoffed. "Please. Like anyone believes you're a badass. Didn't you try to fight Zizes and ended up in the nurse's office?"

"You know what, how can anyone my size beat up Zizes? She's like twice my size."

"Oh I know that. I was just saying..." Quinn was interrupted by her mother's voice saying that dinner was ready.

"Saved by Mrs. F. Come on Quinnie. It's time to eat," Santana teased before running out of the room and down the stairs. 

"Don't call me Quinnie," Quinn yelled and chased after Santana.


	3. Chapter 3

After eating dinner, Santana left the Fabray home with food for her parents and a couple of cds that Quinn thought she might find helpful. Santana wasn’t happy that she hadn’t found a song after spending so many hours at Quinn’s house. However, she felt extremely relieved with everything that they had spoken about.

Santana had essentially come out to Quinn. She didn’t utter the words “I’m gay,” but she did admit to being in love with Brittany. In her mind that was basically affirming the fact that she wasn’t one hundred percent straight. Santana expected the worst; she thought Quinn would hate her or be disgusted by her. But Quinn was accepting and caring to her. Quinn had no negative judgment toward her, and that was all Santana wanted. 

The next day passed quickly, with nothing significant occurring. After school the next day, Santana listened to some of the cds Quinn had given her. None of them were from artists that she knew, but she was certain that Quinn would have given them to her for a reason. It wasn’t until she got to the final cd that she found a song that resonated with her. It was a slower song and from a group that she would never consider listening to, but the lyrics expressed the vulnerability and the struggles that she was going through. She hoped that by singing this song she would be able to communicate to Brittany that she was trying to accept her true self. 

Quinn walked toward Santana’s locker the next day. “Hey San,” she greeted. “Have you picked out a song yet?”

Santana turned and smiled at her friend. “Hey Q. Yes, I did pick out a song,” she replied before reaching into her locker. “Thanks for the cds,” she said as she handed them back to Quinn.

“No problem. Did they help,” Quinn asked hopefully. 

Santana smiled. “They actually did. I picked a song from one of those albums. So thanks.”

Quinn squealed excitedly. “That’s awesome. Which did you choose?”

Santana rolled her eyes at her friend’s excitement. “I’m not telling you. It’s a surprise.”

Quinn’s smile dropped. “Oh, come on, San. I’m the one who helped you. Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

“You’ll find out at glee later today.” 

Quinn pouted, but the bell signaling the next period rang. “Let’s get to class, silly,” Santana teased. Quinn glared at Santana but followed her to their class.

Fortunately for Quinn the day passed fairly quickly. But Santana saw this as a misfortune. She was becoming anxious for her performance. She was aware that most of the club would not know the true meaning behind the song, but that didn’t mean that Brittany wouldn’t figure out what she was trying to say. She walked into the choir room and took a seat next to Quinn.

Quinn smiled as she turned toward her friend. That smile slowly disappeared as she took in Santana’s facial expression. “What’s wrong,” she asked and grabbed one of Santana’s hands. 

“I’m just really nervous. I don’t like sharing personal feelings,” Santana whispered loud enough for only Quinn to hear. 

“Trust me, I know. But you’ll be fine. You always kill any solo you get.”

Santana shook her head. “But this is different. This is me sharing something personal. It’s like Landslide all over again, but I won’t have the support of Brittany or Ms. Holliday.”

“If at any point you get too nervous or too emotional just look at me, okay? I’ll help you through it,” Quinn said reassuringly. 

“Okay,” Santana said before gently squeezing Quinn’s hand.

Mr. Schue came in and began the rehearsal. “Okay everyone. I gave you all assignments on Monday. The theme is self-expression. Is anyone ready to go today?”

Everyone looked at Rachel, including Mr. Schue. “I’m sorry, Mr. Schue, but two days is not enough time for me to choose just one song that expresses myself. I’m finding it hard to narrow my choices down. I’ll have it done by Friday, though.”

Mr. Schue sighed. “That’s not a problem, Rachel. Does anyone have a song ready,” he asked hopefully. 

Santana shyly raised her hand. “Santana! You’re ready,” he asked. Santana nodded and walked to the front of the room. “Okay,” he said. “The floor is yours.”

“Thanks Mr. Schue. So, um, the song I chose is not something you’d expect from me, but I really think it describes a side of me that I tend to keep hidden. I know I say mean things and pick on you guys a lot, but it’s all a façade that I put on because of my own insecurities. So just keep that in mind while I sing the song.”

Santana took a breath and began singing. 

_I am moving through the crowd  
Trying to find myself  
Feel like a guitar that’s never played  
Will someone strum away_

_And I ask myself  
Who do I wanna be  
Do I wanna throw away the key  
And invent a whole new me  
And I tell myself  
No one, no one- don’t wanna be  
No one but me_

Santana glanced towards Quinn as she sang the second verse. She hoped that Quinn would understand the words she was saying because she felt that they applied to Quinn as well. Her friend was seeking the undivided attention from her boyfriend. Santana felt that Finn might not be fully over Rachel, and she didn’t want Quinn to get hurt. She hoped that Quinn would just stay true to herself and not try and manipulate Finn or Rachel to get what she wanted. 

As she got to the bridge of the song she looked at Brittany. Brittany was looking at her through watery eyes and smiled when her eyes met Santana’s. Santana sang the next part looking straight at Brittany. 

_Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall  
You turn the light on to erase it all  
You wonder what it’s like to not feel worthless  
So open all the blinds and all the curtains._

Santana finished the song and bowed her head, trying to discreetly wipe the tears building up in her eyes. Quinn and Brittany clapped for her and the rest of the club joined in. Mr. Schue smiled and stood up. “That was really lovely, Santana. Would you like to explain why you chose that song?”

Santana nodded. “Thank you,” she said softly before continuing. “I chose this song because I’ve recently been struggling in finding my identity and accepting it. I’ve pushed a lot of people away because of it. I just think that it’s time for me to start embracing all of the qualities that make me who I am.”

“Well, that was excellent,” Mr. Schue said and continued to talk to the class. Santana sat back down and glanced toward Brittany. Brittany smiled at Santana before turning away. Santana sighed and focused on what was being said. A few minutes later her phone vibrated. 

**[From Brittany]** : Can we talk after rehearsal?

Santana felt her heart beating rapidly as she read Brittany’s text message. Brittany wanted to speak with her. This was what Santana had wanted, but she was still nervous about actually having a conversation with Brittany. They hadn’t spoken since Santana confessed her love to Brittany. That wasn’t to say that Brittany hadn’t tried. Santana was good at running away. But now she was just tired of running. 

**[To Brittany]** : Yes we can meet. Outside your locker?

Brittany replied back saying she wanted to meet somewhere more private. Santana wasn’t sure if she could handle being alone in either of their bedrooms, so she suggested the pond at the park near her house. Brittany’s reply was a smiley face that made Santana chuckle. 

When rehearsal was over Santana met Brittany outside the choir room. “Hey San,” Brittany said hesitantly. 

Santana smiled softly. “Hi Britt. Are you ready to go? I’ll drop you off at your house when we finish.”

Brittany nodded. “Sure. Sounds good.”

The drive to the park was quiet. Both girls were unsure of what to say to each other. The drive was short and they walked over to the pond. Brittany sat down near the edge of the pond and Santana sat next to her. They stared out into the water for several minutes before Brittany turned to face Santana. 

“You were great in glee today,” she told Santana. “I liked the song you picked.”

Santana blushed. “Thanks Britt-Britt. I’m glad you liked it. When I picked the song I had you in mind.”

Brittany looked surprised. “Oh yeah?”

Santana nodded. “I know I’ve been shutting you out of my life after everything that happened. It’s just that you made me admit things that I didn’t even want to think about. I was so scared of saying it out loud.”

“Santana,” Brittany sighed, “I miss you so much. You are my best friend and not talking to you is making me so sad.”

“I know Britt, and I’m sorry for ignoring you these past few weeks. You hurt me, though.”

“But I didn’t mean to. You have to believe that,” Brittany cried out pleadingly. 

“I know that. You are probably the most loving and caring person in all of Ohio. I know you didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.”

A tear slipped out of Brittany’s eyes, and Santana wiped it off with the pad of her thumb. “Don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m actually glad that everything happened the way it did.”

Brittany looked into Santana’s eyes through her tear-filled ones. “What do you mean,” she asked. 

“Well, if you hadn’t made me sit down and talk about my feelings I probably would have stayed in denial. I wouldn’t have dealt with my emotions and with the situation. And I wouldn’t have realized something important.”

“What’s important,” Brittany asked breathlessly. 

“I’m in love with you,” Santana stated and looked into Brittany’s clear blue eyes.

Brittany’s face glowed with Santana’s declaration of love. “I love you too, Santana.”

“I know you do. I’ve known that I was in love with you since last summer. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.”

“But why not,” Brittany questioned. 

“Because that would make it real. I’d have to deal with the consequences of admitting that I was in love with a girl.”

“I don’t understand,” Brittany sighed, frustrated that she didn’t comprehend what her best friend was trying to say. 

“It’s okay Britt. I’m probably not making sense. I’m a girl, and society says that girls are supposed to be with boys. If I’m with you then I’m a girl being with another girl. A lot of people think that is wrong, and they can say hurtful comments and be judgmental. Remember how Karofsky bullied Kurt and he switched schools?” Brittany nodded. “Well he did that because he found out that Kurt was gay. If people at McKinley found out about us they’d do the same thing. I don’t want anyone to hurt you. And as much as I’d like to think I’m tough and can handle anything, I’m not strong enough to deal with the bullying either.”

Brittany was silent as she took in Santana’s words. Santana pushed back a strand of hair that fell onto Brittany’s face. Brittany looked up at Santana. “I think that you are so amazing, Santana. I love how you always say the first thing that comes to your mind. I love how you care for your friends and family. I love the way your face scrunches up when you are happy, and I love the dimples on your cheeks when you smile. I love how you always know what to say to cheer me up. I love that you never make me feel stupid and that you are patient with me when I don’t understand something. And I love that you love me. I love all the little things that make you awesome, and I wish you could love them too and not be scared to share yourself with the world.”

Santana smiled and pulled Brittany into an embrace. She never felt as loved as she currently did hearing Brittany tell her the reasons why she loved her. She was happy that Brittany was in love with her just as much as she was. 

Santana pulled away from the embrace and placed a soft kiss on Brittany’s lips. Her heart fluttered at the contact. “I’m trying, Brittany. I want to love those parts of me too. It’s going to take some time, but I am slowly beginning to accept every aspect of myself. I’m going to get to the point where I can proudly tell everyone that I am in love with you. I know I am; I’m so close to that point. Just give me some time, please.”

“I will, but only if you promise me that you won’t shut me out anymore. I need you in my life, Santana. You’re my best friend, and I want to be able to talk to you. We won’t be able to kiss anymore, even though that kiss just now was so amazing. I just want the next time we kiss to be when you finally allow yourself to be open and carefree. Is that okay?”

“Of course that’s okay. I missed you too Brittany. I need you in my life, and if that is just as a best friend then I’ll accept that. I know I probably shouldn’t have kissed you, but I didn’t know how to thank you for your words or convey what they meant to me. I won’t kiss you again unless we are together as more than friends. But for now all I want is my best friend in my life again.”

Brittany grinned at Santana. “I’ll always be in your life, Santana.”


	4. Chapter 4

A month had passed and Santana was feeling good. She and Brittany were best friends again and Santana had kept her word about not kissing Brittany until they were together. As hard as it was to be around the bubbly girl and not kiss her, Santana found that she really enjoyed just talking to Brittany again without any awkwardness. It made her realize how deeply in love she was with Brittany. Slowly but surely Santana was accepting the fact that she was indeed a lesbian. 

It was Friday afternoon and Santana wanted to go home and start the weekend. There were less than two months left before the semester ended and Santana knew that this was the last weekend she would be able to enjoy before she would have to start preparing for final exams, SAT prep, and Nationals for glee club. She wanted to do something this weekend, but she didn’t know what. 

Walking down the hall, she smiled when she saw Quinn and Brittany standing by her locker. She picked up her speed and reached her friends. “Hey! What’s going on?”

“We were wondering if you want to have an Unholy Trinity sleepover tonight. My mom is going to visit her sister in Canton so I have the house to myself all weekend. Brittany already agreed, so what do you say?” Quinn asked hopefully.

“Of course. I miss hanging with both of you together.”

“Yay,” Brittany squealed. “This is going to be so fun, San. You, me and Q, together like the old days. I’ll bring the candy!”

Santana laughed. “Sounds like a plan. Let’s get to lunch.”

The day passed quickly and soon enough the three girls found themselves in Quinn’s living room. The coffee table was filled with bowls of snacks and bottles of soda. A movie was playing on the giant television screen, and the girls were lying out on the floor, pillows and blankets surrounding them. 

Quinn stretched her body out as the movie credits displayed on the screen. “That was a good movie.”

Brittany and Santana agreed and then the room quieted. Santana looked over at Quinn who was worrying her bottom lip and wringing her hands. She looked over at Brittany who seemed to notice that something was wrong with their friend. 

“Are you okay, Quinn?” Brittany asked softly.

Quinn was silent for a few seconds before she answered. “I think I’m going to break up with Finn.”

Santana knew that Quinn had been contemplating this for a while now but it was news to Brittany. “What? But I thought you loved him?”

Quinn sighed. “I thought so too. But I think I was just looking for what we had sophomore year before I got pregnant. I could always depend on him, but Santana made me realize that I was just settling.” She turned to Santana. “You were right. I do need a break from boys. There are a lot of things that I have to deal with before I can be fully invested with a relationship.”

Brittany looked at Santana. “You told her that,” she asked in astonishment.

Santana blushed. “Yes. We had a heart-to-heart about a month ago. It’s no big deal.”

Brittany took Santana’s hand in her own, squeezing lightly. “Yes it is. You are such a great friend.”

“That’s right, Santana. You are one of my best friends, even if we fight at times,” Quinn said. 

Santana laughed. “You’re okay too, Quinn,” she joked. 

“So how are your relationships going?” Quinn asked.

“What relationship,” Santana snorted. 

Brittany looked toward Santana. “You aren’t with Sam anymore?”

“No. I broke it off after our conversation in the park. It wasn’t a big deal. Like I told Quinn, he didn’t really mean anything to me. We are just friends now.”

Quinn smiled. “Any other prospects then? Or are you just focusing on yourself?”

Santana softened. “There is someone I’m interested in but I’m focusing on myself for now.” 

A shy smile appeared on Brittany’s face that Quinn noticed but didn’t comment on. “What about you, Britt? How’s Artie?”

Brittany frowned. “I wouldn’t know. We broke up a few days ago.”

Santana’s eyes widened and a similar look of shock appeared on Quinn’s face. “Why did you guys break up?” Quinn asked.

“It just wasn’t working out.” Brittany replied. The vagueness in Brittany’s response unsettled Santana but she knew Brittany didn’t want to talk about it in front of Quinn. 

“So we are all single, huh?” Santana said to lighten the mood. 

“Almost. Quinn isn’t single yet,” Brittany reminded. 

“Well I’m glad the Unholy Trinity is back together and stronger than ever,” Quinn said.

“Hear, hear!” Santana and Brittany exclaimed at the same time. 

Santana looked up at her best friends. “I have something I want to share with you both. And I know you probably know this already, but I have yet to say this out loud and I want you both to be the first people I tell.” 

Santana quickly glanced down before lifting her eyes and admitting, “I’m gay.” 

Quinn beamed at her best friend. “I’m so proud of you for telling us,” she said and gave Santana a hug. 

“Thank you for being there for me,” Santana whispered. When Santana looked at Brittany her smile was bright. 

“I’m so proud of you, honey.” Brittany whispered so only Santana could hear as she leaned in to embrace her. 

“This calls for a celebration,” Quinn announced. “I’m thinking pizza and ice cream.”

Santana agreed, thinking of how lucky she was to have such a supportive best friend.

Later that evening Brittany and Santana were cuddled on the couch while Quinn was in the bathroom. 

“So why did you really break up with Artie?” Santana questioned. 

“I don’t love him. Not as much as I love someone else.”

“And do I know this person that you love so much,” Santana joked. 

“You might. She’s Hispanic, smart, super sexy and the best friend I could ever ask for.”

“I love you so much, Brittany. I’m tired of trying to deny it or hide my feelings. I just want you and I don’t care who knows it.”

“I love you too. And I’m so glad you are accepting everything that makes you so wonderful. I was hoping that you’d go on a date with me next Friday and maybe be my girlfriend.”

Santana gasped. “Are you sure? I mean, I haven’t fully come out yet and I know how important it is to you that we don’t hide.”

“As long as you are with me I am willing to wait however long it takes for you to feel comfortable enough to come out to everyone. I love you, Santana, and I don’t want to waste anymore time not being with you.”

“I don’t want to waste anymore time without you either, Britt-Britt. Thank you so much for being here for me.”

“I’ll always be here for you no matter what. So, will you, Santana Lopez, be my official girlfriend and go on a date with me next Friday?”

Santana leaned in and kissed Brittany with all that she had in her, letting her happiness and love pour out. 

Brittany was breathless when Santana pulled away. “Was that a yes?”

Santana giggled. She was so in love with the girl in front of her. “Yes, Brittany. I’d love to be your girlfriend and go on a date with you.”


	5. Chapter 5

When it was finally Friday the day dragged for Santana. She was sitting in her trigonometry class zoned out when a note landed on her desk. She looked to her right to see Quinn smirking at her. Rolling her eyes, Santana read the note.

_Q: What’s got you spaced out, S? Thinking about Brittany??_ :-P

Santana had to hold in her laugh as she wrote out her response. 

_S: Maybe…_

She handed the note back to Quinn. Quinn smiled at her friend’s one word response that wasn’t really a response. 

_Q: That’s cute, Santana. How are things going with you guys?_

Santana hesitated before deciding to confide in Quinn.

_S: Things are going great. We have our first real date tonight_ :)

Quinn let out a soft squeal when she read Santana’s reply. 

_Q: OMG SAN!!! That’s amazing! What are you going to do? What do you have planned?_

_S: Brittany is planning it. She asked me out._

_Q: Get out? Wow, Britt. Going for what she wants. I’m impressed._

_S: Shut up, Q._

_Q: Well isn’t it true. She wants you._

Santana felt herself blush. 

_S:I still can’t believe it._

Quinn looked at Santana and could tell her friend really couldn’t believe that Brittany wanted her. “Oh, Santana,” she thought. Quinn was so happy for her best friend, but she hated that Santana was so unsure about how amazing she really was. 

_Q: I can. I am so happy for you, S. You deserve this. I know how much you love Brittany. You deserve the same love in return._

_S: Fuck, Q. Don’t make me cry. But thank you._

_Q: You’re welcome. I expect details when your date is over. And don’t try to get out of it because I’ll just ask Brittany, and you know she’ll tell me._

_S: Whatever, Q. I’ll call you tomorrow and tell you all about it._

Quinn smirked. Well, maybe not all of it. I don’t need to know if you spent all night making out or having sex. 

_S: QUINN!_

The bell rang as Quinn read the note. With the chatter of the class packing up she let out a laugh and turned to face Santana. “You know that is most likely what the night will lead to. I’m just letting you know that I’d rather not know about your sex life.”

“Well, I promise to not let you in on those details.” Santana packed her bag and started walking toward the exit. “See you in glee later.”

“Bye Santana,” Quinn laughed. 

Later that day Santana was finally home and getting ready for her date with Brittany. She was fixing her makeup when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. “Come in,” she called out, 

Her mother, Maribel, opened the door. “Mija, I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving to work. I have an evening shift at the hospital tonight and tomorrow. Are you going to be okay for dinner?”

“I’ll be fine, mami.”

Maribel looked at her daughter, noticing her outfit and makeup. “You look nice, Santana. Going out?”

Santana smiled. “I’m hanging out with Brittany tonight. We’re probably going to get a bite to eat.” Santana tried to sound nonchalant, but her stomach swirled with nerves hoping that her mother didn’t think it was too strange that she was dressed up when she was supposedly just hanging out with her best friend. 

“That’s nice. Are you going to spend the night at her house?”

Santana hesitated. “Um, I’m not sure. We didn’t talk about that. If I do I’ll let you know.”

“Okay, Santana. I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart. Have a good night, mija.”

“Thanks mami. Stay safe.”

When her mother closed her door Santana continued getting ready. Her stomach filled with butterflies as she waited for Brittany. “Relax,” she chided herself. “It’s just Brittany.” But no matter how much she tried, Santana couldn’t stop feeling nervous. 

Just when she was about to start pacing the length of her living room, the doorbell rang. Santana opened the door and saw Brittany’s smiling face and instantly relaxed. “Hey Britt-Britt,” she said with a soft smile. 

“Hi Santana. You look so beautiful,” she said, taking in Santana’s full outfit. 

“Thanks Britt. You look amazing too. Do you want to come in for a minute or should we get going?”

“Is anyone home?” Brittany asked.

“No, my mom just left for work thirty minutes ago.”

Brittany smiled. “Let’s go inside for a bit.”

“Sure.” Santana moved to let Brittany in. As soon as Santana closed the front door Brittany kissed her. 

“Sorry,” Brittany said. “I really wanted to kiss you.”

Santana felt her face heat up. “You don’t have to apologize. I wanted to kiss you too.”

Brittany kissed Santana one more time before pulling away. “Okay, ready to go? I made us a reservation at Breadstix so we should head there now.”

“Yes, let’s go.”

Santana and Brittany were sitting opposite each other in a booth at Breadstix. Brittany was making her way through the cocktail shrimp and Santana was eating the complementary breadsticks that she loved so much. 

“Britt, can I ask you a question,” Santana asked. 

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”

Santana hesitated. “Do your parents know about us? Do they know you like girls and guys?”

“They don’t know that we are dating, but I have told my mom that I like you. I haven’t told them that we are together because I didn’t know if you would be okay with that. They know that I like both guys and girls.”

“Thanks for that. I know it’s not fair to ask you to hide that from them. How did you come out to your parents?”

Brittany looked at Santana. “I don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, Santana. We can move at your pace.”

Santana nodded and Brittany continued. “I never officially came out to my parents, I guess. One day when I was in eighth grade we were all watching Clueless and I made a comment about how pretty Dionne was and how I’d want a girlfriend as pretty as her. Mom asked me if I liked girls and I told her I like girls and boys.”

“So they never made it a big deal?” Santana asked. 

“No, you know how my parents are. They’re carefree and quirky and not much will bother them. I think as long as I’m happy they will be supportive of me.”

“That’s nice, Brittany.” Santana wondered if her parents would feel the same as the Pierces. “I think I want to tell my parents about us,” Santana confessed. 

“Yeah.” Brittany’s voice was hopeful. 

“Yeah, I’m just worried about their reaction. My parents aren’t like yours, Brittany. They were brought up thinking that being gay is wrong. I’m afraid that they will think I am a terrible person for loving you.”

Brittany frowned. “I don’t think anyone who made someone as wonderful as you could ever think you are a terrible person.”

“In theory you should be right. But I’ve seen so many stories online about people who come out to their parents and then are kicked out or sent to a gay conversion camp or something terrible like that. I don’t want that to happen.”

“Honey, why does your mind always go to that dark place? Your mom is the sweetest woman. I doubt she would do that.” Brittany said. 

Santana sighed. “That’s always what I do. I’m so scared, Brittany. But I don’t want to hide anymore.”

Brittany held her hand out across the table for Santana to take. Santana hesitated but eventually took Brittany’s hand. Brittany ran her thumb across the front of Santana’s hand, trying to reassure her. Santana felt a gasp of air escape her mouth at the comforting gesture. 

“Why don’t you talk to Mr. Hummel? When Kurt and I went out that one time last year he told me that he was really worried about what his dad would think if he came out to him. Maybe he will have some advice that can help you to come out to your parents.”

Santana smiled at Brittany. “Have I ever told you that you are a genius, Brittany?”

Brittany grinned. “Only once or twice,” she joked. 

“Well you are,” Santana said. “That is a brilliant idea.”

Santana and Brittany finished their meals and Brittany drove Santana back to her house. They went to Santana’s backyard and snuggled together on one of the pool chairs. It was a warm spring evening and Santana felt so happy in that moment. “I love you so much, Brittany,” she said. 

“I love you too, Santana. So very much.”

The two girls stayed outside for some time, wrapped up in happiness at being together at the end of their first official date. Santana knew that there was nowhere else she would rather be than lying in Brittany’s arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Brittany had spent the night at Santana’s house and left early the next morning. Santana was left alone with her thoughts. She kept thinking back to her conversation with Brittany the previous evening. She was anxious to come out to her parents. They were fairly strict Catholics, never missing Sunday mass. They would never force her to go, but they were firm in their beliefs and Santana knew the Catholic Church did not support homosexuality. She worried her parents would reject her if they knew the truth about her sexuality. She was afraid of being disowned and kicked out of the home she grew up in. They may not have been present one hundred percent of the time, what with working long hours at the hospital, but they were still her parents and she still loved them. Santana couldn’t handle it if her parents didn’t love her anymore.

Santana really did think that Brittany’s idea about talking to Mr. Hummel was a great idea. She needed to talk to someone who would really relate to her predicament and give her the advice she needed. Brittany and Quinn were encouraging her to come out and be proud, but it isn’t easy to speak the truth and not know what to expect. And Santana knew that while Quinn understood how it feels to be banished from your childhood home, having been thrown out by her father when she became pregnant, Quinn always had a volatile relationship with her dad. Santana’s family, while distant at times, still came together once or twice a week to spend time together as a family, and Santana remembered things like cooking family recipes with her mom and reading stories at bedtime with her dad. They were good parents; they were her parents and she didn’t want to lose them.

Santana knew from Brittany that in the beginning of sophomore year Kurt’s dad caught him, Tina and Brittany recreating Beyoncé’s _Single Ladies_ music video. And Santana knew that even though Burt Hummel at one point in his life was unsure about homosexuality, he was there for his son and accepted him and loved him no less when Kurt did come out to him. Santana knew that if anyone could help assuage her worries and anxieties about coming out to her parents it was Mr. Hummel.

Santana pulled up to Hummel Tires and Lube and exited her car. Walking up the driveway she poked her head around the corner of the garage door frame. "Mr. Hummel, are you in here?"

Burt Hummel appeared from his office at the back corner of the large space. He smiled at Santana and asked in a friendly voice. "Welcome to Hummel Tires and Lube. How can I help you?" 

Santana shook her head. "Oh, no; I'm not here about a car. I go to school - well used to go to school - with your son, Kurt. We were in the glee club together. My name's Santana Lopez."

"Oh. Okay, it's nice to meet you Santana. Did you want to see Kurt, because he's not here? This is the last place he'd ever be."

"I was actually hoping to speak with you if you had a few minutes to spare, sir."

"Of course. And please, call me Burt. There's no need to be so formal."

Santana ducked her head and nodded. "Okay."

Burt led them to his office and sat behind a plain wooden desk. Santana took a seat across from him.

"I want your advice on something. I think you might be able to help me best."

Burt gestured for Santana to continue.

Santana inhaled before whispering, "I'm gay."

Burt's facial expression remained neutral and Santana became increasingly worried. She didn't like that she couldn't detect Burt's reaction to her sudden confession.

Seeing that Santana was not going to continue he gently prodded, "That can't be all you came to tell me."

"No, it's not. I'm sorry. You're actually only the third person I've told that to. I guess I was just expecting a bigger reaction."

"Well I don't really know you well enough to pass judgment on you. I'm actually honored that you told me. It takes a lot of strength to come out, especially to someone you don't really know."

"Thanks, but I figured you'd be okay with it since you are Kurt's dad. It would be hypocritical for you to accept Kurt but not me."

"Indeed. So who else have you told, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I’ve only told my two best friends. I want to come out to my parents but I'm afraid of what they'll think of me."

"You're afraid of their reaction?"

Santana furrowed her brows. "Yes. Not all parents are supportive, you know? I just don't really know how they'd react and I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of specifically, Santana?"

Santana sighed. "I'm afraid of disappointing them. I'm afraid they will hate me and kick me out. I'm afraid of losing them and being alone."

Burt rested his forearms on the table and leaned forward. "Those are very common feelings. Kurt was very afraid of coming out to me for those same reasons. I know everybody is different and not everyone has the support of their parents. But I can assure you that you most certainly will not be alone."

"My parents are very religious. I’m almost certain they don’t agree with homosexuality. How am I going to come out to them?"

"I can't really answer that. You have to figure that out on your own. I will tell you this. Speak from your heart and speak your truth. No one can belittle what you feel and who you are. Remain calm even if things don't go the way you hope for them to go. I don’t know how strongly rooted your parents beliefs are and if they would bend them for their daughter like I did for Kurt, but you owe it to yourself to be honest and start living life the way you see it for yourself and not for others. And should you find yourself kicked out do not hesitate to stop by my house. Carole and I would love to help you in any way possible."

Santana relaxed as she heard Burt’s words and felt immensely grateful for them. "Thank you so much, Burt. Kurt is lucky to have you as a father."

Burt chuckled. "I'm not sure he'd agree with that but thank you."

"Do you think I can do this?" Santana asked one last time.

"I am certain that you can."

Santana stood up and hugged Burt. "Wish me luck then."

Burt chuckled. "Good luck, kid."

Burt watched as Santana left the room and entered her car. She started the engine and pulled away, waving and smiling at him. "I sure hope everything turns out okay with her parents," he thought to himself before returning to the paperwork he had been doing earlier.


	7. Chapter 7

Santana drove home from her meeting with Burt Hummel with a million thoughts in her head. She knew she wanted to come out to her parents, but it still scared her to not know how they would react when she told them her truth. Santana also knew, though, that she couldn’t keep hiding this from everyone. It took too much effort and was really difficult to do. She was tired of having to drop Brittany’s hand when someone came near them, or watch everyone in class to make sure they weren’t watching her stare at Brittany. She just wanted to be with her girlfriend with no worries or hesitations. It was time for her to just be herself. 

When Santana got home she was surprised to see both of her parents’ cars in the driveway. Her mother worked as a nurse and her father as a doctor at Lima Memorial Hospital. They usually worked crazy shifts, but at least once a week their shifts magically aligned so that both of them would be home for an evening. Santana usually loved that one day because her parents were actually pretty cool, as cool as parents can be. They would have dinner followed by games and trivia. It was always a night that Santana never missed. She was pretty sure that both of her parents were supposed to be at work today. 

Santana entered her home and heard her parents talking in the kitchen. “Hey, mom. Hey, dad. I didn’t know you guys would be home today.”

Santana’s mom, Maribel, smiled. “Scheduling gave us the wrong day. We showed up to work today and they told us we weren’t on call. I’m glad you are here. We figured you’d be at Brittany’s or Quinn’s house.”

“I was going to go to Brittany’s for dinner but since you are home I’ll call her and let her know I won’t make it.”

“You don’t have to do that, Santana. You can still go to her house,” her father, Carlos, said. 

“No, it’s okay. I actually have something to tell you guys,” Santana said. “Can we sit down in the living room?”

“Sure mija,” her parents said. 

As they walked into the living room, Santana gathered all of her thoughts. She was nervous, but she knew that she had to do this. 

“Is everything okay, Santana,” Carlos asked, not used to seeing Santana so worried.

“Um, yeah. Everything’s okay. I just have something really important to tell you and I’m worried about how you will take it.” Santana said. 

Maribel smiled warmly at her only child. “Santana, you know we love you. I promise whatever it is you tell us will not change that.”

Santana hoped that her mom was telling the truth. She couldn’t bear to think of her parents not loving her anymore just because she liked girls. 

Santana took a deep breath. “Over the past year I’ve realized something about myself. Something that I have had a difficult time accepting. I tried to ignore it, to pretend it wasn’t true, but it’s exhausting pretending to be someone you are not. I’ve realized that I just have to be me, one hundred percent. I have to love myself for who I am. And yes, I am still scared of the consequences. I’m afraid of the judgments that people will make or the reactions that they will have. But in the end, it’s my life that is being impacted. I just want to live my life in a way that will make me happy.”

Santana paused before looking straight at her parents. “I’m gay. I love girls the way that I’m supposed to love boys. And I know that you guys are Catholic, and the church teaches that homosexuality is a sin, but I love who I love and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that, and I think that God still loves me now just as much as he did before I realized this about myself. I hope you both do too.”

Her parents were quiet for a few seconds. Maribel had tears in her eyes. “Say something, please,” Santana begged.

“Oh, Santana.” Her mom began. “I still love you, sweetheart. You are so brave and I am so proud of the woman you are becoming. I know that this must have been so difficult for you to tell us, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything. You are my daughter and I will always love you.”

Santana felt her eyes burn as tears began filling them. “Thank you, Mami,” she said and Maribel got up to give her a hug. 

As Santana hugged her mother she looked at her father, who had not said anything yet. Even in the warmth of her mother’s arms, she was nervous that he might not accept her. She locked eyes with her father and he gave her a slight smile. 

“Santana,” he began. “Is there someone that you love? Do you have a girlfriend?”

Santana nodded. “Yes. I’ve been dating Brittany for the past two months, but honestly, I think I’ve loved her since the moment I met her. I just didn’t understand my feelings at the time.”

“Brittany is a good girl. Kind, sweet, and I can tell she loves you too. I always had a feeling there was something more to your friendship. Santana, I’m not going to pretend I understand everything that this means for you. My mother and step-father raised me to believe that being gay was wrong. But how can it be wrong when you are so right, mija? You are my daughter, and although I don’t understand it I do know that this fact about you doesn’t change my love for you. I love you, Santana.”

Santana started crying. She was so worried that he would do what Quinn’s dad did and throw her out of the house. Hearing that he still loved her meant everything. She didn’t realize how much she needed her parents’ approval until she had it. She felt so grateful that her parents were taking this so well. 

“Santana, honey, no llores. Don’t cry. You are okay. You will always be okay,” her dad said. 

“I’m just really happy that you both are okay with this. I was so worried that you’d hate me,” Santana confessed. 

“We could never hate you, Santana. Please don’t ever think that again,” her father said. 

Santana nodded. “Okay.”

“Alright familia. How about we make dinner and then play a few rounds of charades? Maybe this time Santana will win,” her mother said jokingly. 

“Mami, I’m feeling lucky today so I’m going to ignore that comment.” Santana laughed and made her way to the kitchen, happy to spend the evening with her parents.


	8. Chapter 8

Santana leaned into Brittany’s side, both of them looking out the window as the plane landed at JFK airport. It was so different from the airport in Ohio, where all you saw was the green of nature. Looking out the window Santana saw the brilliant skyscrapers and the gridlock streets of Manhattan in the distance and the hundreds of residential homes packed along the streets of Queens. 

“Look, San!” Brittany’s voice was one of awe. “It’s so different from Lima.”

“Yeah, it is Britt.” Santana thought New York City looked stunning from above. 

A few rows back, the girls could hear Rachel chattering on and on to Finn about New York City and how it was the greatest place on Earth. 

“Five bucks says we’ll have to drag Berry onto the plane when it’s time to leave,” Santana said, partly as a joke but also knowing that it was indeed going to be hard for Rachel to leave New York. 

Quinn, who was sitting in the aisle seat next to Santana, groaned. “Rachel is going to be insufferable this entire trip.”

“Don’t worry about her, Quinn,” Brittany said. “This is New York City. We are going to have so much this weekend!”

“Yeah, Q. This is our weekend. The Unholy Trinity takes Manhattan!” Santana nudged Quinn’s shoulder. “Don’t let Berry ruin your experience.”

Quinn inhaled deeply. “You girls are right. You might have to remind me of this throughout the trip.” 

“Gladly.” Santana smiled. Nothing was going to ruin this trip for her. 

When the New Directions finally arrived in their Manhattan hotel after a long bus ride, Mr. Schue dropped a bomb on the club. “You are not allowed to leave this hotel until you have our songs for Nationals written.” 

So Santana was cooped up in a tiny hotel room with the entire glee club. They’ve been working for a few hours and everyone was beginning to lose their minds. Brittany wrote a song about cups for crying out loud. It was hilarious, but probably not going to win them Nationals. It didn’t take much convincing to get everyone to agree to a break. The club formed a huge group as they walked the narrow city streets, taking in the sights and gushing about how amazing the city was. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany broke off from the group and wandered through Central Park. 

Santana looked at her best friend and her girlfriend. She was so happy to be where she was right now. “So I was thinking,” she began. 

Brittany and Quinn looked at her as she continued. “I think I’m going to come out to the glee club before we leave New York.”

Brittany’s eyes lit up. “Really? Are you sure?”

“It’s a big deal, Santana. If you are ready, then Brittany and I will have your back, ” Quinn said. 

Santana thought about it for a second. “I want to do it,” she declared. “I’m feeling brave. Everyone in glee is always going on about how we are a family. My family took it so well, and everyone was supportive of Kurt. I think they’d be the same toward me.”

Brittany gave Santana a look that made her heart skip a beat. Whenever Brittany looked at her this way, almost reverently, Santana felt like the most beautiful person in the world. Like she was invincible. “All I ever want for you is to accept yourself wholeheartedly, just as you are. Words cannot express how proud I am to be your girlfriend.” 

“Thanks, Britt.” 

“So when are you going to tell everyone,” Quinn asked. 

“I don’t know yet. When the moment is right, I guess.” Santana wasn’t sure when would be the right time. Right now they were scrambling to write songs for Nationals. Then came the actual competition day itself. If things went well, maybe she could tell them after the competition. All she knew was that by the end of this trip, Santana Lopez was going to come out to the glee club. And even though just three months ago that statement would have made Santana run deep into the closet, right now all she felt was confident with this decision. 

Later that evening Santana was in the girls’ hotel room while the rest of the glee club were in the boys’ room. She was leaning over the side desk, flicking her pencil against the open notebook. Santana was writing some of her thoughts down, something she’d been doing since she first started grappling with the conflicting thoughts she had about her sexuality. Some passages were like diary entries. Others seemed more like poetry, a structured rhythm to her words. Tonight she was thinking about how different she was now compared to three months before. Three months seemed like no time at all, but in three months Santana came out to her best friend and her parents. She had a girlfriend. She was in a loving relationship for the first time ever, and about to come out to the glee club. She couldn’t believe that she could ever feel this happy in her life and with a person. But here she was, happy and in love. 

The click of the hotel door opening broke Santana from her thoughts. Brittany, Artie, Tina, and Quinn walked into the room. 

“Hey guys,” Santana said, quickly closing her notebook. 

“Hi Santana!” Tina greeted. “We missed you at dinner.”

“Yeah, I just needed some time alone. I’ve been doing some thinking, which led to some writing.”

“Don’t tell me you are single handedly writing our Nationals song? What are you working on,” Quinn asked. 

“Well I was just writing in my journal but then I started thinking of some lines. It’s not quite a song, but maybe.” Santana’s voice trailed off, a question at the end of her sentence.

Artie looked at Santana curiously. “Well can we see what you have?”

Santana hesitated. “Sure, I guess. Don’t laugh, okay.”

“We’re not going to laugh, silly,” Brittany nudged Santana’s shoulders. Santana opened to the page she was working on and handed the notebook to Brittany. 

Brittany sat on the edge of the bed, with Tina, Quinn, and Artie creating a semicircle around her. They were leaning in, reading the words that Santana had written. 

“This is really good, Santana,” Tina said. 

“Yeah, girl,” Artie agreed. “Do you have any idea of how the melody would go?”

Santana felt her cheeks flush at the praise. “Yeah, I had an idea for it.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, S? Sing it,” Quinn demanded.

Santana laughed. “Okay, okay.” She took a second to steady herself before she began. 

_You and me keep on dancing in the dark.  
It’s been tearing me apart, never knowing what we are.  
You and me keep on trying to play it cool.  
Now it’s time to make a move, and that’s what I’m gonna do.  
Lay it all down, got something to say.  
Lay it all down, throw your doubt away.  
Do or die now, step on to the plate.  
Throw the door wide open like up, up and away. _

When Santana finished, she looked up to see everyone grinning. “Did you like it?” Her voice was so soft as she questioned her friends. She never shared anything personal with them. She realized she cared what they thought, especially Artie and Tina, who did not know how personal this song was to her. 

“Okay guys,” Artie began. “I think this is the song that’s going to win us Nationals!” He began fist bumping. 

“Santana, that was amazing,” Brittany said. Santana figured that Brittany and Quinn were the only ones who would know the true meaning behind the song. Brittany stood up and walked over to Santana, embracing her tightly. Her breath tickled Santana’s ear as she whispered, “You are incredible, Santana. I love you so much.”

Santana felt her entire body light up at Brittany’s words. It was amazing how much Brittany’s words and presence affected her. “Thanks, Britt-Britt.”

“Santana, I knew you could write when we did Trouty Mouth together, but this song is on a whole other level. Do you have any ideas for the chorus or other verses?” Tina asked. 

Santana pulled out of Brittany’s embrace, stunned that she managed to forget that she and Brittany weren’t the only people in the room. Brittany had that effect on Santana. 

“No, I didn’t intend for this to be our song for Nationals. I was just writing.” 

“Okay. I’m gonna get the others. I think between the thirteen of us we can finish this song before tomorrow.” Tina looked up at Santana. “Is that okay?”

“Yes,” Santana said. She felt excited to see how the rest of the club would react to the song.

Tina and Artie left the room to get the rest of the club. Quinn looked up at Santana. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of Artie or Tina, but this song really is so good. Especially because I think I know what it’s about.” Quinn’s eyebrows raised and Santana laughed. 

“Yes, Q. It’s about me realizing my feelings for Britt.” Santana looked over at Brittany when she felt the girl’s hand take hers. Brittany squeezed it, a gentle smile on her face. Santana smiled. 

“You guys are too cute,” Quinn said as the door opened. 

“What’s this I hear that Santana wrote a song,” Rachel asked as she entered the room, the rest of the club filing in behind her and finding a place to sit in the small room. 

Santana stood up. “Okay, everyone,” she began, putting on her best ‘in charge’ voice. “ I wrote a verse and a pre-chorus to a song. It wasn’t even supposed to be for the competition, but apparently it’s good and I want your input. If you agree, then you can help me write the rest of it.”

Santana looked at the club to see their reactions. “Okay, Santana,” Finn said, his usual dopey smile on his face.

“I’d like to hear it,” Kurt agreed. 

Santana sang the song once more and when she finished the entire club began applauding and cheering. Rachel stood up. “I think we have our group number you guys,” Rachel sing-songed. “We have a lot to write to finish it, so we should start now.”

“Wait, before we do that I have a question,” Kurt said. “It might help us if we knew the story behind these words. We want to make sure the new verses match the intention behind the first verse. Do you mind telling us, Santana?”

Santana looked out at the faces of the glee club, her friends. Isn’t it strange how two years and an extracurricular club can change everything? Yes, sometimes these people got on her last nerve, but Mr. Schue was right. They were a family, and Santana loved every single one of them. 

“Okay, so I have something to share with everyone. I was planning on telling you this after the competition, but now is as good a time as any.” Santana looked at Brittany, who was smiling at her. She gathered herself for a minute before she began again. “I’ve been confronting a lot of feelings this year. Once I began examining these feelings I realized something important about myself that I had trouble accepting, but I finally have. I’m gay, and I love Brittany. This verse is about how hard it was to not know where I stood in my relationship and finally accepting it and coming out.”

Mercedes grinned at Santana. “You know, Santana. That took a lot of courage from you. I respect that you decided to tell us and I am so happy you are accepting yourself. I got you, girl.”

The rest of the club gave similar messages of support to Santana and Brittany. They spent the rest of the night working on the song. Rachel and Finn left to work on a duet together, and by the time it was one in the morning the group had two completed songs. They all headed to sleep for a few hours before they had to wake up for the competition. 

Santana stood backstage, feeling butterflies in her stomach as she listened to Finn and Rachel sing their duet. She felt Brittany’s presence before she actually saw her. “Are you ready, San?” Brittany asked. 

“I’m so nervous,” Santana said. “I didn’t think they would give me a featured part in the song.”  
“Sweetheart,” Brittany murmured. “Of course they did. You wrote the song. Why are you nervous? You kicked butt when you sang Valerie at Sectionals. You’re going to be amazing.”

“That was different, Brittany. I was singing one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists. And it was Sectionals. This is Nationals - the big stage. And I’m going to be singing words that I wrote. Words that are so personal to me. It’s so nerve-wrecking.”

Brittany hummed. “Well, I think you’re going to kill it, and do you know why?”

Santana knew that whatever Brittany said next was going to reassure her. Somehow Brittany always knew the right thing to say. Santana wondered if that’s because Brittany loved her so much. 

“Why, Britt?” Santana’s voice was just a whisper. A quiet sound on the exhalation of a breath. 

“Because you, Santana Lopez, are brilliant. You are a star that shines so bright. And now that you are choosing to love all the parts of yourself that make you brilliant, you are magnetic. You are a force, and everyone who sees you shine is so lucky. I love you so much. No matter what happens today, I will always love you. This year for me isn't about winning. It’s about acceptance and I know without a doubt that we got that this year. Anything else that happens is just icing on the cake since I have all of you now.”

Can the love you feel for someone be so deep that just their presence calms you and makes you feel so worthy and special? Santana spent so much time this year pondering this question. First she dismissed it because of Brittany’s gender. But as the feelings grew deeper and stronger, she couldn’t deny it anymore. It’s why she actually listened when Brittany asked her to define their relationship. It’s why Santana’s heart broke in a million pieces when Brittany initially rejected her and why those million pieces put themselves together again when Brittany asked Santana to be her girlfriend. Santana never was in love before, but she knew that what she felt for Brittany was real love. And it felt amazing to know that Brittany loved her just as much. 

“You are so smart, Brittany. I love you, too.” Santana hugged Brittany, inhaling her scent and feeling much calmer than before. 

Finn and Rachel’s duet was coming to a close. “Okay, everyone. Places!” Mr. Schue’s voice rang out. 

Brittany held out her hand toward Santana. “Ready?” she asked. 

Santana put her hand in Brittany’s and let Brittany lead her onto the stage. “For the first time, I think I’m ready for everything.”


	9. Epilogue

_May 6, 2012  
Senior Year_

The New Directions stood in front of the baggage claim carousel of the Chicago O’Hare International Airport, chattering amongst themselves as the last few members grabbed their luggage. The energy was filled with a warm buzz in anticipated excitement for the events of the next few days.

"Okay everyone." Mr. Schue's voice echoed. "We're going to head out for the hotel now. Once there I'll split you up in groups and hand out itineraries for the next four days. Since we actually finished planning and preparing our numbers for the competition you guys can spend today and tomorrow morning sightseeing. Does that sound good?"

A chorus of approval rang out and Mr. Schue clapped his hands together once. "All right; let's head on out then."

As the group walked toward the exit Brittany turned to Santana. "I'm so happy we are here! We're going to have so much fun this trip."

Santana smiled. "Even more than in New York City?"

"Well maybe not as much, but Chicago is still pretty cool. My parents went here for their anniversary two years ago. They gave me a list of places we could go to."

"That sounds great, Britt. I want to take you out to dinner tonight."

"Like a date," Brittany asked with a smirk. 

"Only if you order the shrimp," Santana winked. 

The girls giggled and Brittany sighed happily and leaned against Santana as they took their seat inside the van. 

"I'm really glad you're my girlfriend." Brittany whispered so only Santana would hear. 

Santana kissed the top of Brittany's head. "Me too."

"And I can't wait to graduate and start the next chapter of our lives together."

"Together, huh."

"Well, duh."

"And what do you suppose that chapter of our lives will be like?"

Brittany's eyes sparkled as she spoke. "Well after we graduate we'll spend all summer lounging by the pool, hanging out with our friends and getting ready for the fall. And then once August comes we'll move to New York and you'll go to NYU and I'll go to Pace and we'll be the best entertainers the universities have ever had. And then once we graduate college you'll go on a huge world tour because you signed a record deal with a popular record label. I'll be your choreographer and backup dancer and we'll travel all over the world together living the dream."

Santana laughed. "That seems a bit unrealistic, Britt-Britt."

"Yeah, well even if we end up dirt poor because we're struggling artists I'd still be pretty happy with my life."

"And why is that?" Santana asked gazing into Brittany’s crystal blue eyes.

"Because as long as you are with me I am happy. All I need is you, Santana."

Santana kissed Brittany with gentleness and love, forgetting everyone and everything around her. "I love you so much, Brittany S. Pierce."

"I love you too, Santana Lopez."

Their moment was broken as the group started singing along to the radio. Brittany joined them and Santana smiled, thinking about how far she and the group themselves have come. All the hard times junior year were worth it. She now had a family in her New Directions friends. She was out and proud, with Brittany as her girlfriend. And in a few short months they'll be in New York City to start the rest of their lives. There is nothing Santana would want to change about her life and the road it took to get to this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this story. I appreciate all the love you've given me and the story. If you have any feedback please let me know as I am hoping to continue writing more in the future. I hope you all enjoyed this story!


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